I ordered an iPad for my 75-year-old mom, and it arrived today. I opened it to run updates, load some apps, set up the wi-fi and have it ready for use Christmas Day.
But there was a problem. So I contacted Apple Support by chat because I didn’t have a number for the Twilight Zone.
Me: My iPad arrived. IT’S ALL IN CHINESE. WTH?
[Two minutes pass.]
Rep: Hello, this is Cam. Can you state the nature of your problem?
Me: My new iPad arrived today. It’s all in Chinese.
Cam: What’s the problem?
Me: IT’S ALL IN CHINESE!
Cam: Oh. So you don’t speak Chinese?
Me: I’m in Alabama. I don’t have much need for it. And I can’t change it. Why is it in Chinese?
Cam: Well, that’s not right. Where did you order it from?
Cam: Well that’s not good. We can fix this.
Me: That’s why I contacted you.
Cam: Just tap the thing that looks like a gear.
Me: Nothing looks like a gear. It’s a log in screen. IN CHINESE.
Cam: Double tap the screen. What do you see?
Me: CHINESE — IN LARGER CHARACTERS.
Cam: Well that’s not right.
Me: So you’ve said. I clicked what should be the upper right arrow and now I see icons, but no gear.
Cam: The gear is like a circle with notches cut out—
Me: Stop there. I have four iPhones, a handful of iPods, an iMac, two Minis and a MacBook. I don’t need a Mac lesson. I need to know how to reset this instrument. Or an interpreter.
Cam: Do you have a laptop?
Me: … Uh, YES.
Cam: Connect it to the laptop.
Cam: Hold the front and top buttons down until it tells you it can’t sync the iPad.
Me: Will it tell me that IN CHINESE? Because I don’t speak it.
Cam: So you’ve said. No, it should be in English.
Me: Then hit Restore?
Cam: Yes, that’s all. Anything else?
Me: Not unless this doesn’t work.
Cam: That should do it. It will restart in English and then you can set the language you want.
Me: I want ENGLISH. It will take five minutes to restore.
Cam: I can wait with you if you want.
Me: Four minutes.
Cam: I’ll be here. [sigh inferred.]
[Four minutes later]
Me: 完成 [Done.]
Cam: Pardon me?
Me: 它的工作 [It worked]
Me: 謝謝 [Thank you.}
Cam: Very funny.
Me: Merry Christmas!